so tired

so tired I want to throw up
who’d have thought exhaustion could make you feel like this
12 hours sleep in 4 days
the heat
the heat
the heat
woke up today to go work
should’ve known it was bad
stomach disgusting and swollen
fat sack full of shit and bile
want to spit at myself
seeing that in the mirror
work and caffeine and work and caffeine
and for a little while its ok
and then its back to crap
the sweat
the sweat dripping
oozing like oil down my neck and back
candle flame burning on the inside of my head
on break and into the toilet before I lose my breakfast
but it doesn’t come out
take a shit instead
hot and bubbly and god-awful
when will it end?

Trying

She wants me in the day
she wants me at night
In between she’s got me sitting on ice-packs ‘til my balls ache with frostbite
but there’s nothing blue about them.
The sex is good
but honestly
my favourite part is afterward
seeing her looking so stupid and adorable
standing on her head
to help the sperm on its way.

Float

Yesterday I got a promotion
the boss said all these nice things
about me of all people
and I wondered what was going on
but couldn’t figure it out.

After he told me I tried really hard to keep from smiling
I didn’t want them to know
that I secretly felt validated
I didn’t want to relinquish my grip on my cool persona
I like that persona.

I still don’t understand
I stopped trying to impress people a long time ago
and that only seems to impress them more
I stopped trying to be accepted
and people seem to like who I am
I stopped looking for love
and it snuck up on me.

I don't get it.
I feel like everything’s gone crazy.